Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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