i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
