Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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