and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Enjoy the penises
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
