Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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