I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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