dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
