I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
