is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
