Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
