I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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