the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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