i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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