tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
