Your dad touched me again.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
