i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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