Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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