remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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