I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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