Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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