Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
