omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
