If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
