So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
