Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
