im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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