my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
