Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
