how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
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you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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