allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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