That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
