When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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