after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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