Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
