What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
