ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
