Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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