Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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