I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
