I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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