He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
