no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
