I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
