There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
