two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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