I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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