There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
