my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
