saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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