I accidentally had phone sex last night
Your dad touched me again.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
