The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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