I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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