Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
