Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
