Moan for me like Helen Keller
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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