xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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