no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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