my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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