I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
