Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
