I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Four minutes until I can fart!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
