I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
